Echos of Our Past
A Dance of Dysfunction
Before reading:
Below is an outline for a project I hope to kick off and eventually publish. Should you read, remember, that these are real people whose lives have impacted one another. When you read, DO NOT reach out to these people and let them know they are being written about. The characters are there for the context of things that have happened in the last five years. My intentions are NOT to slander anyone. I will be changing their names in my story for their protection and safety.
Additionally, the point of this piece is that there is no such thing as a perfect victim. While he did terrible things, I did too. I am no victim. I contributed to the abuse as much as he did.
Some say my actions were a result of reactive abuse (i.e. Sam after Ronnie has been abusing her), I genuinely believe that he just brought out the worst in me. Or sometimes, I’m just a bad person hiding behind an innocent persona.
While I appreciate the time you have taken to read this, I am mostly posting this for feedback. I have only written about 2018 to around 2019/2020. More will come as I recieve feedback.
Do not hesitate to comment on this post with any feedback. No matter how harsh. If you do end up sending this to someone in the story. At least tell them to follow me on Substack or social media (@karenfragsss)
This is about two years of our five-year relationship. While it may seem wild - it only gets worse.
Timeline
Sophomore Year (2018-2019)
Things were great, I thought he was the one. I thought I was done searching. I had never been in love and quite frankly, I thought it was a bunch of bullshit made up by weak people. My parents were weak people. That’s why they suck at relationships. We both came from similar families and had self-esteem issues. I’ve always been good at pretending to be confident and to radiate self-love. He fell in love with that. He wanted to be that. He was weak though. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t be me. I was good at pretending because at least some part of me did believe me.
Yasmeen
He met her at the student center. She was working part-time as a cashier and I’m pretty sure she didn’t charge him for all his snacks. They had met once or twice before he and I dated at a party or something. I encouraged him to hang out with her because he told me his ex (Sarah) forced him to drop all his friends (later I will reveal that turns out he was flirty and overly friendly to ALL female friends). He starts by hanging out with her and her 2 roommates and it slowly starts turning into him hanging out with her 1:1 in her bedroom. At this point, I have no reason to distrust him. He has done nothing wrong. That is until I received a text. He sent me a screenshot of Yasmeen’s apt group chat, called “The Trap Home”. Yasmeen asked her roommates what they thought about Bryan, They all said they loved him and that they were astounded by the fact that he was straight, but that’s not all. It was almost as if they were excited that he was straight. Once I met Yasmeen, my worries were confirmed. They sat next to each other on the couch, talked a lot, smoked cigarettes together, etc. I tried my hardest to befriend her. I’m the type of person who adores making new friends. I figured since my friends were his friends, I could be friends with his. I was furthest from being right. Yasmeen often left me on read or responded with one-word answers, while messaging Bryan from the moment they woke up till they went to bed. I was furious, but I had complained to Bryan so much that it wasn’t worth it anymore.
Nudes
One day, my newest friend and sorority sister, Morgan Wells, invited me to go to the club (it was a dive bar type club) I accidentally left my phone in her boyfriend Sean’s car. Morgan calls Sean and tells her to come to the dorms to drop off my phone and Bryan lets me use his phone so Sean can text us when he’s here. Curiosity killed the cat. I can attest to this. While walking to the door by the elevator, curiosity got the best of me. What were he and Yasmeen talking about? Who was this random Raven girl he was always Snapchatting? I thought it was an online friend he introduced me to. I clicked on Yasmeen’s chat and…nothing. It was so braindead. So I move on. Then I check the Raven girl. The conversation was cute, he was talking about me to her. Such a sweet boyfriend. <3….and then I scrolled up. I found her nudes still saved by him. I grabbed my phone from Sean and walked to Bryan’s room. All I remember doing is packing my bags and repeating “I don’t do this shit” referencing him micro-cheating by holding on to the nudes
*attempt ONE at breaking up - failed*
Summer
One day over the summer, I talked to Aj on the phone. He’s my best friend. And he reminds me of who I am, that I have a support system and that I don’t need to be with someone who doesn’t respect me.
*attempt TWO at breaking up - failed*
Junior Year (2019-2020)
919 Frink St.
I come from a pretty problematic family. This means once I transition from dorm roommates to part of a household - I turn into my mother. At this point, I’ve tried to break up with Bryan twice, and he didn’t let me. I grow resentful. Two years of my life and I’m treated like a sex object and a trophy made to look pretty next to him while he emotionally connects to god knows who. He sucked. Didn’t clean up after himself, he cooked for my roommates the second I left the apartment but would never cook for me, only wanted to smoke, and ditch me for his friends.
Nina
Nina was his BEST girl friend. BUT SHE WAS SUCH A FUCKING PICK-ME-ASS BITCH OMFGGG. I wanted to hang out with her so badly because I love making friends with girls. So I invited her out for dinner! At the restaurant, all she could talk about was Bryan and his ex. I wanted to die. To top it all off, she started talking about a date party she went to where Bryan was at too. Apparently, he got so drunk he kept asking her to make out. Why the fuck did she tell me that? Did it make me jealous? No. Did it make me feel like she was a weirdo? Yes. Yet, he constantly defended her. One time we were studying and Nina called him. He ran out of the room so fast, that I thought it was a family emergency. I was studying for my political science class, a class I was not doing great it. One hour later he came back into my room. I asked what happened and if everyone was okay. He said yes, that Nina just needed someone to talk to while she was on her 3-hour drive to see her boyfriend. Why he didn’t tell me or let me know is beyond me. What finally made me lose it was a job interview. I went to a job interview where there were a lot of homeless people. Getting there was easy. I was in and out. But while I was waiting for an uber, a man wouldn’t leave me alone. I thought he wanted money, but what he wanted was me. As any girlfriend would, I called Bryan to keep me company while I waited for the uber. 10 maybe 15 minutes into us talking, Nina facetimes him. He lets me know she’s calling and hangs up. I get a text from him saying Nina needs help making rice and that he’d be going to her place to help. Nina is Asian. She also owns a rice cooker. I promise you, she knows how to cook rice or is just plain stupid and can’t read a recipe off Google. Bryan abandoned me and I was enraged.
BPD
Okay as much as Bryan was a fucking asshole, I was no angel. I began showing symptoms of BPD, something I had never heard of. I saw a TikTok that explained my symptoms and turns out it was BPD. No one believed. I terrorized my roommates and Bryan with the silent treatment or verbal abuse. I didn’t know how to explain it. But everything hurt my chest. Everything made me feel heavy. I would feel my whole body turn red from rage. My parents taught me one thing anything if you do something bad - you have to be punished. And he did a lot of bad, so I felt I needed to be the one to remind him that his actions have consequences. But I chose what his consequences were. By this time I’ve gone through 2 therapists for my mental health symptoms and Bryan and I decided to “do” couples counseling with a close friend (professional). What I learned that year was: CBT is dogshit
Nudes (Again)
I remember this way too clearly and need to be in a better mental state to go over it again. Essentially this is a little bit after he began cheating on me with his ex. I love taking selfies and he always lets me take his phone, unlock it, and take selfies. That night, it was a little different. I hadn’t taken a picture yet because it was it a night and I had bad lighting. That’s when I looked at the left side corner of the screen where I saw a naked white woman with light brown hair and a rectangle body shape. This was his ex. I, personally, didn’t think it was his ex. A part of me thought it looked like her, but that just goes to show how little I cared about her. It was her. They had been sending nudes and talking to each other via Kik. Yeah, that app where older men groomed little girls.
Break up
At this point, I am falling apart. I am no longer that confident girl. If anything, I am defeated and ugly. While I loved him, I knew I deserved better.
Covid Begins
Senior Year (2020-2021)
Mushu & Wasabi
Stressed Liver
AMONGUS
Post Graduation (May 2021-Dec 2021)
Lincoln Park
Depressive Episode
Therapy Begins
