Journal Entry #2
After a five-year relationship… men are…
Weird.
I can openly say after my last breakup, I spiraled a little and almost quadrupled my body count (it was 2, before). I decided to cope with being dumped by someone I called a 4 by being a complete whore.
Okay, that’s not necessarily true.
Truths about who I was post-break-up:
Bitter
In need of a “hoe” phase
Over the cool-girl act
Man-eater
Obsessed with validation
About 6 months of casually dating men who would trade me for a single can of beer.
One afternoon, I was SUPER bored and my last casual guy had ghosted me (I hooked up with him w/o telling him I was on my period and I think he hated that idk).
So, after another failed attempt at love I went back to hinge. As I was deciding who to swipe on, I remembered that Hinge’s algorithm was meant to show you ugly guys. The way to overcome this is to X out guys you think are ugly and only *heart* super hot guys to avoid getting more ugly guys.
That’s when I came across this one guy. His first picture was some gym bro picture. I usually swiped down to see the rest of his profile. Blonde, tall, and aesthetic? Definitely would NEVER be interested in me. Typically white guys with a hipster adjacent aesthetic are super racist to me, but for some reason, my brain said “fuck it, full send” and I did. No message, just one heart. After that, I decided to keep scrolling because a guy that hot would NEVER look at me like that or even give me the time of day.
5 minutes later, I got a notification that he matched with me.
Now if you know how Hinge works, when you heart someone’s picture, they have the option to accept it or decline it. This man chose to accept it and match back. I was absolutely surprised.
It seemed to good to be true. I don’t know why. He messaged me first by being super confused about the fact that I was a 5’2 girly pop. Ever since then, him and I have never run out of things to talk about.
Fast forward, now he’s my boyfriend. We’ve been officially together for about 2 maybe 2.5 months (idk we’re not keeping track).
In my casual dating time, I’ve learned one thing and one thing only. Brunette white American men HATE me and think I’m ugly. Blonde boys think I’m the most amazing thing to ever exist. Europeans are obsessed with me.
But most importantly, my new boyfriend not only loves me but also is intentionally putting so much effort into our relationship. More than anyone has ever - in a healthy way that I can appreciate. The other day we got Chili’s and talked about our summertime dates. He mentioned going on an expensive date, something my ex used to give me shit about.
Truths about who I am now:
I have self-restraint
I am allowing myself to be silly and cringe
I feel appreciated
I am no longer on a pedestal. I am seen as someone’s equal, as a partner
Mind you - my ex would basically make me go 50/50 on things. So I am used to having to pay half and worrying about the cost. My boyfriend looked me in the eye and said “The price doesn’t matter. I told you I’m treating right, princess”. I haven’t blushed since 2015. But I could not look him in the eye. I have never felt so loved.
At this point in my life, I don’t know anything. How long a relationship lasts, who your true friends are, what my purpose is in life. But what I do know is, I am loved and I love so many people. And at the end of the day, people can hurt me and bring me down as hard as they want. I have always been able to pick myself up. Now I have a support system to help me up rather than doing it alone. That includes my wonderful novio and all the friends I’ve made this last year.
I love you all
-KarneAsada
