Journal Entry 1
Here's a little fun story about when I got diagnosed with BPD (beautiful princess disorder)
Rae squinted her eyes at me while holding her index finger up close to her lip. She had an interesting look on her face like she stuck putting the puzzle pieces together. Rae had been my therapist for a little over a year by now. I came to her around the time I was 22 when I had been fired from my sales job at Pinterest. Being an overachiever at 22 with an apartment, a 4-year relationship, a 700+ credit score, and a salary job at any girl’s DREAM job (not sales - just working at Pinterest) was NOT a good indicator of my mental stability1.
I was hired in August, while the Chicago heat was sticky and humid, it typically was enough vitamin D to keep my depression stable. But this time was different. I’d set an alarm for 8:00 AM to get ready for my 10:00 AM morning meetings. Normally, I’d never be the type of girl to snooze my alarm, I hate my alarm and the quicker it’s turned off the easier getting up would be. Not this time.
Waking up went a little something like this:
Peel eyes open
Turn off alarm
Eyes start to feel heaving again
Try to fight heaviness but not being able to
Back Asleep
Now it’s 10:30.
Suffice it to say, I was unemployed by October.
As an overachieving eldest daughter of immigrant parents - getting fired from a job was like having all my hard work and success ripped from me. Like it never happened and never will happen again. I didn’t want to die. I knew I didn’t but I couldn’t eat, shower, or brush my teeth. That’s when I started seeing Rae.
Rae was still looking at me. Sometimes, I think she likes to stare at me in silence to make me uncomfortable. Not in a malicious way, of course. It takes some unusual practices to get me to open up. Uncomfortable silence is one of them.
I fidgeted around on her long brown couch, “so grad school’s been fun but we’re getting to the portion of class where our films are going to be critiqued by the whole class and I just CAN’T handle rejection.”
Her face lit up. A light bubble went off in her head - or an alarm bell, I still can’t tell what she’s gonna say next.
“What do you know about personality disorders?”
My heart sank.
What do I know about personality disorders?? I know that in 2019 I suspected I had a borderline personality (BPD) but kept being told no because I wasn’t in crisis or actively trying to kill myself. But I can’t stay that, it’ll come off bitter and rude. We’re not bitter and rude. But also, because I thought BPD, I looked into all the 9 personality disorders one could have2. Meaning, that I can just play it off like I know a lot of the topic without showing too much excitement. I don’t want it to seem like I’m excited to be diagnosed with a personality disorder - because that’s not a personality disorder symptom.
I tried to get comfortable before I spoke. Being 5’2, your legs don’t touch the floor when you sit back on a chair or couch so instead you sit close to the edge of the seat. So I hopped my butt to the back of the couch, so I could sit up straight with some back support. I was still nervous about coming off too exciting so I started kicking my legs.
I probably looked like a giant 6-year-old.
“I know a lot about personality disorders. I went through a weird phase where I was obsessed with them.” I don’t know why I mentioned that last part. She knew about my failed endeavors to be diagnosed with BPD and agreed that I didn’t have it. A quick realization came to mind. This could be my “aha” moment where I can say I knew I had BPD. But that didn’t happen when I opened my mouth.
“I know about narcissistic personality disorder3, antisocial4, histrionic5…and borderline.”
When I said borderline, we both made eye contact. That’s all she had to say. At that moment I knew.
She continued by explaining the diagnosis further, nothing I didn’t already know. To meet the criteria you need to experience 5 of the 9 symptoms, the subtypes, the therapy treatment needed, everything. It took me longer to process my emotions.
I still don’t know how I feel about having BPD. That was almost two years ago, and here I am now, recovered. I don’t know what that says of me. Am I still sick? Will I always be sick? Or will I be stuck forever not knowing? Who knows. But a weak sense of self is one of the 9 symptoms. So maybe I won’t always know who or what I am. But I guess that’s the beauty of life, being able to fall in love with all the versions of yourself that you create.
Notes
1I was also battling ADHD, Depression, and Anxiety
2 Borderline PD: A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones. A distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self. Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance misuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.
3 NPD: Sense of self-importance. Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success. Entitled. Can only be around people who are important or special. Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain. Arrogant. Lack empathy. Must be admired. Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them
4 ASPD: Someone with antisocial personality disorder will typically be manipulative, deceitful, and reckless, and will not care for other people's feelings. Like other types of personality disorder, an antisocial personality disorder is on a spectrum, which means it can range in severity from occasional bad behavior to repeatedly breaking the law and committing serious crimes.
5 Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) is a chronic and enduring condition marked by a consistent pattern of attention-seeking behaviors and an exaggerated display of emotions. Individuals with HPD are often characterized as narcissistic, self-indulgent, and flirtatious. Individuals with HPD may feel undervalued when not in the spotlight, leading to a persistent need for validation.
